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Today Carmen is answering some common questions that many have about open adoption. Many thanks to Carmen for her honesty and openness in sharing her family's experience with us!
- What were some of your fears about open adoption?: Ironically, prior to having an open adoption, I had no fears. Now that we are living one, I find that occasionally fears creep in. Usually the fear emerges more as an undefinable fear, the feeling is there, but the reason is blurry. In these moments I remind myself to "let go and trust God," that we chose this path because it is best for our daughter. The "fears" are mine, and I must confront them and over come them. When I do, I always find they were inconsequential, I was just "over tired and let my imagination run wild," and the fear dissipates.
- What's your favorite part of having an open adoption?: Knowing that our daughter has the opportunity to receive answers to her {inevitable} questions. At 22 months, she doesn't have any yet, but when they do come, she is lucky enough to be able to go to her primary source of information. She has the opportunity of being able to grow up with the truth of her story, not imagined answers or dreamt up possibilities. In the meantime, we have access to valuable information as well. Yes we were given medical history at E's birth, but anything new that arises, we will have access to that too.
- What is your relationship like with your birth mom?: In a word, Complicated. But one word can't sum up an entire relationship. Like any relationship, ours changes. The first year was "a one way road" of openness. I dutifully sent updates: starting out multiple times a week, then weekly, bi-weekly, monthly... as she grew and the changes were not so day-to-day. The first year was hard for me. I loved N desperately, I thought about her obsessively, the silence was torture and I began to feel angry at her. I began to wonder if this is how E would eventually begin to feel and think about N, and that worried and bothered me. At one point, the frustration being too much, I made my husband send the monthly update because I was so hurt by N's silence, I was afraid it would come out in my letter; the coldness, the detachment, the anger. In all the time since we brought E home, I had received one phone call, a voice mail, shortly after Mother's Day, thanking me for sending her a gift. I saved that voice mail for E so one day she could at least hear N's voice - only to lose it because I forgot to listen to it one day. My heart broke. Then, miraculously, shortly after E's first birthday, CONTACT!! My heart pounded in my chest, my stomach dropped, my hands trembled. I read and re-read that email a thousand times. N hadn't contacted us in 12 months because she wanted to give us ample bonding time! From then we maintained contact via phone calls, text messages, Facebook, emails, and Skype. Then, at 17 months, our long distance open adoption changed again. For reasons I can not (and will not) discuss - it's N's and E's story, not mine - N moved to our town; not just our state, our city. again my emotions flew around like a balloon deflating around a room. Excitement, fear, joy, anxiety... every single emotion I dealt with pre-adoption, I felt again. Yes, we helped her relocate. We asked for donations from our church, our friends, our families, we helped her job search, apartment hunt, etc. But little to no money came directly from us, our support to her was emotional, informational, not financial. The first few months of N being here was a difficult transition and trying time for all of us, (again, the details are not my story, so I can not expand on the details) but eventually we all found a rhythm. N landed a good job, signed a lease on a nice upper unit in a duplex, and found her groove in her completely new environment. We make plans occasionally, sometimes just me and her, sometimes all of us. Sometimes I feel like I've adopted another child, sometimes she says we're like sisters, most of the time I wish we could just be friends - we're getting there. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's easy, but I never want to throw in the towel. She's been here almost 5 months now, and although I still struggle with how to navigate this {very} open adoption, it gets easier (and sometimes harder) each day. I've learned to do what we will tell E to do: ask N. When I start to feel nervous, anxious, unsure, I bring it up with her and talk candidly about it. It's not a comfortable conversation, but a necessary one. And I didn't sign up for comfort, I signed up for an open, transracial, domestic adoption. Because it's not about me, it's about E. And honestly, at the end of every day, I love N! I love her so much! I thank God for blessing us both, for matching us, because we are a good match. The truth is, our relationship is like any other relationship. It's takes work, it changes with time, but because we love each other, and E, we put in the work, we trust in God, and we take it step by step. *Recently, N threw a curve ball at me. She wants to be a part of our lives, but she wants to conceal her {true} identity from E. This poses new questions and feelings for me, as well as the problem of "this info is already out there." I can't retract it. It's been shared. (With N's initial blessing.) My thoughts and feelings on this are not the same as N's. But, as always, I must remind myself that I don't know what the future holds, that this too may change, that I must hold strong to my faith in God and His plan. The biggest question I have though is: When do I put my daughter and her right to know, above her birth mother and her right to privacy?
- How do you establish boundaries?: We are still working on this. I'm aware that sometimes I allow N to ask too much of me, and I often give it to her. But she honestly asks nothing in regard to E. Basically, I'm just working on remembering to put my family first: me, my husband, and our daughters. Also, that when we are with N, and E hugs her or holds her hand to lead her somewhere, this is no threat to me. E does not see her as any different from any of our other friends or her sister's friends (G is 14). I am the one who knows the dynamics of the relationship, I am the one that makes myself feel threatened, I am the one that needs to deal with these internal feelings. As this happened to be a recent occurrence, I did bring it up with N and she was shocked that I felt that way. It was reassuring to hear her say that. I know as E gets older and begins to understand who N is, this will come up again; but it's nice to know N is on my side and wants to set boundaries of her own, even if I do feel like it's a little extreme. (Refer to "*" portion in above post for explanation of N's new boundaries)
- What has the Lord taught you through open adoption?: I have never felt the presence of God so strongly as during our adoption process. I prayed to Him on hands and knees, I cried to Him while finishing a nursery (not once - but twice), I sat in our church sanctuary, alone, days before E's birth, because I didn't know what else to do, and cried when I felt His presence wash over me. I cried on hands and knees again when we brought her home, thanking Him for this blessing. As some what of a control freak, a self fullfiller, one who is used to getting what I want, when I want it, with a little hard work, having something I so desperately wanted be completely out of my control was not only foreign, but agonizing, to me. I had to learn to let go and let God. I had to trust in Him. I found the more I relinquished my desire to be in control, the lighter I felt. The more I trusted in Him, in His plan, in His time, the more at peace I became. My relationship with God is stronger, my faith and love for Him is pure. I am truly Blessed, and I feel hat everyday. God has blessed me with a child. He has given me all the tools I need to raise her, including access to her birth mother. I still depend on Him for guidance and patience when navigating this journey of open adoption, but I know that with Him, through Him, we will succeed.
- What do you want "people" to know about birth moms and open adoption: No two are the same. No two birth mothers, no two adoptions, not even if the different adoptions are the same birth mother. Do not make assumptions about the woman, her "situation," or details about the openness of the adoption. These stories belong to the children, don't ask about their/our personal experience, and be content with our generic answers. We protect our children and the women that birthed them out of love and respect for them, not to be spiteful to you. In answer to the most frequently asked, and my I add ignorant and offensive question, (for if you were actually interested in adoption and not just curious about our personal life, you would not ask): No! I do NOT fear she will take my child back! PTR's (parental termination of rights) were signed, our adoption is finalized, my husband and I are listed as E's parents on her birth certificate, I hold her Social Security card. Aside from these legal reasons, E calls me Momma, she calls my husband Daddy, I kiss her booboo's, snuggle her when she needs snuggling, tickle her to make her laugh. She calls N by her name, and sees her briefly on occasion. N has repeatedly told others, as well as us, she feels no parental attachment to E, E is our daughter.
- How have you seen having an open relationship with your birth mom benefit your child?: At less than two years, E is blissfully naive about her story. My hope is as she grows, and her story unravels, she will be grateful of the opportunity to know N and have questions answered truthfully and immediately, rather than day dream the "what if's," "why's," who N might be, etc. I also pray she knows we made this decision for her, out of love, regardless of where this relationship may go, the twists and turns our journey may take, and where we end up.
- What advice would you give to a couple who is entering in to an open adoption?: If you decide open adoption is for you (and given the chance I hope you do), remember to be flexible, to trust in God, and travel the journey as a family, with God at the helm. It's not always easy, you have to step out of your comfort zone, take a leap of faith, and let go and let God, but I promise you, in the end, at the end of every day, when you kiss your child's cherub cheeks, you will know, open adoption = more love. Love is your reward.
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